Englische Witze



A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon
she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

Three vampires go to a bar. The bar tender asks them what they wanted to drink. The first vampire orders a glass of blood. The second vampire orders a glass of blood. The third vampire orders a cup of hot water. The first two vampires ask the third: „why didn’t you order a glass of blood as usual?“ The third vampire tells to wait and see. As the bartender brings the two glasss of blood and the cup of hot water the third vampire takes a used tampon and says: „It’s teatime!!!“

Two old women sit on a bench together. The one: Have you just farted? The other: Of Course I Have, or do you think I always smell like this?

Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about „Timbuktu“.
The priest began:
„I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu.“
Then the Australian told his version:
„When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!“

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: „You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!“

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks „So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?“
The pirate replies „We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off“
„Wow!“ said the seaman. „What about your hook“?
„Well…“, replied the pirate, „We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.“
„Incredible!“ remarked the seaman. „How did you get the eyepatch“?
„A seagull dropping fell into my eye.“, replied the pirate.
„You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?“ the sailor asked incredulously.
„Well…“, said the pirate, „…it was my first day with the hook !“.

What is the difference between a lady coming out of a bath and a lady coming out of a curch?? The lady from the church has got a soul full of hope and the lady from the bath has got a hole full of soap!

One of the reps, traveling by plane, was in urgent need of using the men’s room. Each time he tried the door, it was occupied. The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons on the wall. The buttons were marked, „WW“, „WA“, „PP“, and „ATR“.
Eventually his curiosity got the best of him, and sitting there he carefully pressed the first button marked „WW“. Immediately, warm water sprayed gently over his behind. This, he thought, was completely out of this world. The button marked „WA“ was next, and warm air completely dried his butt. Golly, he thought, the gals really have it make. He next pushed the „PP“ button, which yielded a large powder puff patting his bottom lightly with a scented powder.
Naturally, he could not resist the last button marked „ATR“.
When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, „What happened?? The last thing I can remember, I was in the ladies room aboard a 747“.
The nurse replied: „Yes, you were, but you were cautioned about pressing any buttons. Obviously you were having a great time, until you pressed the one marked „ATR“ which stands for „Automatic Tampon Remover“…