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The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out...


Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight: "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you`re not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. "I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you`re not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I`ve had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven`t" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"


Ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees indian sitting near his (Indian's) house. Cowboy: Hey! Cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Indian: Dog no talk. Cowboy: Hey, dog, how's it goin? Dog: doin' alright. Indian: Cowboy: Is this your owner? Dog: yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse? Indian: Horse no talk. Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool. Indian: Cowboy: Is this your owner? Horse: Yep. Cowboy: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep? Indian: Sheep lie!!


Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren´t going to scream, and we´re gonna get killed!"


Mother put her little daughter, twenty minutes under water. Not to make her any troubles, just to see the funny bubbles!


I´m sleeping very well in my quitsching Bettgestell. But in the middle of the Nacht, ist es dann zusammgekracht. I hope that is you not passiert and that my english better wird!