Englisch1   Englisch2   Englisch3   Englisch4   Englisch5  

Englisch6   Englisch7   Englisch8   Englisch9  


A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him. The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she could have come into $3 million. "I bet" she stated. "You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?" "No," she replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was $25,000.00 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing? At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always took him along when there was a large amount of money involved. "Well", she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" the president asked. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."


For a moment there is silence. Distracted from their own peril, all stare at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man in business class stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. From his appearance it is obvious he is a man with whom a woman would like to pass her last moments. He walks up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt as he walks. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the handsome man approaches. He removes his shirt. The sight of his bare torso brings a gasp of delight from the woman. He reaches for her, holding his shirt toward the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this." A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said "T-G-I-F........... T-hank G-od I-ts F-riday; get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T.........S-orry H-oney, I-ts T-hursday."


An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose..."


I was going down the street the other day and ran into this dirty old beggar sitting on the sidewalk. As I approached, he got up and came over to me and asked for $5 to buy breakfast. I told him," Come on friend. Let's go over to the bar and I'll buy you a drink". He replied, "No thanks, I don't drink. I just want $5 for breakfast." Next I said, "Well then, how about one of my nice cigars?" He again said, "No, I don't smoke, " Next I said, "I'll tell you what. Let's go to the track and take that $5 you want for breakfast and put it on a sure thing. You would have enough money to last a month." Again, he told me, " I don't gamble. I just want breakfast." Finally I told him, "If you'll come home with me and meet my wife, I'll fix you the biggest breakfast you ever ate." With this his eyes lit up and he asked, "Why will you fix me a big breakfast if I come home and meet your wife." "Simple", I responded. "I want her to meet someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble and show her what that can do to a man."


Husband asks his wife: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife replies: "That´s a good idea. Why don´t YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I´ll sit on the sofa and fart."