Two elderly couples where walking on a nice Sunday in a park. The two women where walking behind their husbands. One man said: "we where in a restaurant yesterday, where I had the most delicious meet ever". The other man was looking at him and wanted to know “what's the name of that restaurant?". "You know" replies the other "since I get older you have to help me out a bit". "What’s the name of the flowers, which grow on a thorny bush?" "Roses" said the other. "Yeah that's it" he turns around and shouts: " Hey Rose, what's the name of the restaurant we where yesterday?"
While playing golf, the man finds a corked bottle on the green. Upon opening it, a genie appears and grants the fellow one wish. After thinking about it for a while, the man says, "I'd like to shoot par golf regularly."
"No problem," says the genie, "But understand that your sex life will be greatly reduced as a side effect."
I can handle that," the man says, and POOF, the deed is done.
Several months later, the genie reappears on the same golf hole and asks the man how his golf game is doing.
"Fantastic!" says the man, "I'm now carrying a scratch handicap."
"And what effect has it had on your sex life?" the genie nquires.
"I still manage to have relations 2-3 times a month," the fellow answers calmly.
"2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex l"2-3 times a month," the genie says, "That's not much of a sex life."
"Well," the fellow responds, "I don't think it's too bad for a middle-aged priest with a very small parish."
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he
can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be
cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back
passage. The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to
expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then
shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort
but endures the pain. Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and
tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some
KY-Jelly. Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second
suppository. Sure enough, he can't reach himself properly to obtain the
required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do. The
wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free
hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror. "What's
the matter?" asks his wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No, but I just realized that
the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.
A gorilla escapes from the zoo one day and runs into a suburban area, where it climbs up a tree belonging to one Mr. Jones and won't come down.
Naturally, Jones is a bit worried about the gorilla, and so calls the local gorilla exterminator.
The exterminator arrives with a shotgun and a big mean doberman. "Mr. Jones, isn't it? I hear you have a gorilla problem. Well, you see, my assistant is out sick today, and I could use your help. Can you take me to the gorilla, first of all?"
Jones leads the exterminator to the tree where the gorilla is. "Okay," says the exterminator. "I'll need you to hold the shotgun. I'm going to loose the dog, and climb up this tree. When I get to the gorilla, I'll give the branch a good shake and he'll come falling out of the tree. Once he does, ol' Fido here is trained to jump on the gorilla and bite good and hard into his testicles, and he'll be helpless while I put the chains on him."
"I see," says Jones. "But, then, what is the gun for?"
"Oh, the gun is the most important part," says the exterminator. "If, by some chance, *I* should fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla -- SHOOT THE DOG!"
A customer went into a pub and out of his coat pocket, he produced a 14-inch little man who plays the piano. The landlord was very impressed and ask him where he got this little pianist from.
He said: "I was clearing an old aunty's loft and found this lamp and when I rubbed it a genie appeared and granted me a wish."
The landlord said: "That's good!, can I borrow this lamp?"
"Sure!" said the customer handing over the lamp.
The landlord took the lamp and rubbed it and out came a duck with a halo on its head.
"Funny, I didn't wish for that!!" said the landlord, to which the customer replied:
"Did you think I would wish for a fourteen inch pianist!"