Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
Ten minutes later, the user is still persistent that he is right. The tech is frustrated and give up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
Ten minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
One hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and
says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming
out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you`re sitting on top of
dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?" The startled mother
recovers quickly and says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I`m trying to
get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you`re wasting your time,
because once a week, that pretty lady next door comes over and blows daddy
right back up.
The pope stands in front of Heaven's Gate, when Petrus asks him: "Who are you?" The pope replies: "I'm the Pope of Rome, Jesus' successor on Earth, you don't know me?"
"Rome, Rome ... Ahh, Rome in California?" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Never heard of."
The pope starts another try: "Ask God, he knows me!" Petrus asks the All Mighty: "Hey Big Boss, know the Pope of Rome?"
"Rome, Rome ... Oh, Rome in California?" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Never heard of."
The Pope gets a little bit irritated and asks Petrus to query Jesus. Petrus: "Hey Junior Boss, know the Pope of Rome your alleged successor on Earth?" - "Yeah, Rome in California ...", and smiles.
"No, Rome in Italy!"
"Rome in Italy? Never heard of." And turns back to Maria Magdalena. The Pope takes his last straw and says: "The ask the Holy Ghost, he knows me!"
Petrus: "Hey Smokey, know the Pope of Rome?"
"Rome, Rome ... sure, Rome in California!" - "No, Rome in Italy!" - "Rome in Italy? Rome in Italy? ... Arrrrgh, got'im! Send that bloody fucking bastard to hell, he always tells dirty stories about me and Maria!"
A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket in her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in here!"
There were two brothers, who were identical twins. Danny was married, but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat.
It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and, mistaking him for his brother Danny, said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."
Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and one leaked all over the place. What finished her off though, was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to give her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her and she cracked right down the middle."
The old lady fainted...
A man had a deaf woman as a wife, so in order to communicate with her, he had to use sign language. They soon got quite confused whenever either of them wanted to have sex. They made up a sign of their own for the action, and then the husband explained through signing, this to her:
"When I want to have sex, I will pull your left nipple one time."
She nodded in understanding.
"When I do not want to make love, I will pull your left nipple twice"
She nodded again.
"When you want to have sex, you pull my dick one time."
She smiled and nodded.
"But when you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 357 times."