A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather behave like a savage and ravage a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The attorney handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
Why are the Italians so small? Because their fathers says: when you're tall then you must go working!
The Pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a Pope - he never got to do neat things like that.
The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the Pope.
The Pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over. The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor.
Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy!
Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?
Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister?
Cop: No, much much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister?
Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!
A man walks into a bar and orders five shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Bad day, huh?" "You don't even know the half of it," the man says. "I just found out my oldest son was gay." "That is rough," the bartender says and pours the man's drinks. The next day, the same man comes into the bar, sits down, and orders ten shots. "Wow!" says the bartender. "Worse day than yesterday?" The man nods and says, "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too." "Oh, man," the bartender says, with heartflet sympathy, "That's too bad," and he pours the man's drinks. The next day, same man comes in, sits down, and orders twenty shots. "God damn!" says the bartender. "Doesn't anybody, at your house, like women?" "Yeah," the guy says, miserably. "My wife does."
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a tropical island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!
Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercly at the guy , until he removed his arm from the Pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.
The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said "Honey ,could you take the dog for a walk?..."
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man:
"This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!..."
St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.
"I'm looking for my son", he says.
"And who are you" says Jesus.
"I suppose I'm the closest that he has to a Father." says the man.
"What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously.
"I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man.
"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.
"He does!" shouts the man.
"DADDY!" shouts Jesus.
"PINOCCIO!" shouts Guisseppe...