A guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. The guy sits at the bar, and starts talking to the bartender. While they're talking, the monkey walks over to the pool table, and eats one of the pool balls.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is wrong with your monkey?
He just ate one of the pool balls!" The guy replies, "I can't help it. He eats anything and everything, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to stop it." He takes the monkey and leaves.
A few days later, the guy shows up at the bar and again, he's got the monkey with him. This time, the monkey sits down at the bar, grabs a peanut from a dish, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it back out and eats it.
The bartender says to the guy, "What the heck is he doing now?"
"He still pretty much eats everything, but after the pool ball a few days ago, he checks to make sure it will fit before he eats something..."
A single father and his 6 month old baby are sitting in the doctors waiting room. The baby is crying its lungs out. A concerned women cannot take it any longer and while walking upto the baby she can smell the reason for the baby's distress:
-Sir, I think your baby needs a new nappy.
And when she unvails the baby she notices this dighper ready to burst.
-Sir, this nappy should have been changed days ago!
The father replies:
-Do you know how much these things cost? Anyway on the packet it says: upto 5 kilograms.
Never think people forget your birthday
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too hot that
morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be
pleasant and say «Happy Birthday» and probably have a present for me. She
didn`t even say «Good morning», let alone any «Happy Birthday». I
said, well, that`s wives for you. The children will remember.
The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word.
When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning
boss, Happy Birthday!" And I felt a little better - someone had
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a
beautiful day outside and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just
you and me".
"Let`s go!" We went to lunch. We didn`t go where we normally go;
we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two
martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the
office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day. We don`t need
to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
"Let`s go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had
another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you
don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom and slip into something
"Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and about six
minutes later she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by
my co-workers, wife and children. All were singing «Happy Birthday . . .»,
and there on the couch I sat . . . with nothing on but my socks . . ..
A boy who had just turned sixteen went to his father and asked him since he was old enough to drive, could he get a car.
The father thought about it, and I'll make a deal with you! If you read your bible more and cut your hair, then I'll get you a car. The son agreed and went his way.
A couple of weeks later, the son approached the father and said "you know, Dad, I've been reading the bible like you've asked me to and says here that Jesus had long hair too."
The father replied to the son, "Yeah, but Jesus also walked everywhere he went!..."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"
"O.J. just found out the civil verdict and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the freeway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Brown and Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you got so far."
"So far....ten gallons."
Well, one night Superman is flying around in searchof something to do. He looks down, sees Batman (with his X-ray vision, of course) and asks him: "Hey Batman, do you want to go out and raise some hell tonight?" "Sorry, Super, I can't. I have to fix the Batmobile tonight, can't fight crime without it..." So Superman starts flying again. Next, he sees Spiderman, but he's busy too. Finally, just as he was getting tired, he spots Wonder Woman, laying on her back naked, by the swimming pool. "Wow, what luck" Superman says to himself. "You know, I've always wondered if I really was faster than a speeding bullet! I've got to take advantage of this opportunity." So he flies down, does his business in less than a second, and he's gone just like that. Wonder Woman, perplexed, says "What was that?!" "I don't know, but it sure hurt a lot!" says Invisible Man as he gets up off of her.